Who Are You?

Let’s start today’s blog with the following quote:

No man, for any considerable period of time, can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude without finally getting bewildered as to which may be the truth.

-Nathaniel Hawthorne

A few years ago I found myself at this crossroad. I’d become nothing but a shell of a man. There was so much that I kept to myself. So few that I trusted to expose my true self to. Hiding behind a mask was the status quo.

For years I became everything for everybody. I acted a certain way when I was playing “dad”. I acted a certain way when I played “boss”. I acted a certain way when I played “customer advocate”. I behaved differently when I acted the part of a “friend”. Then there was the part I played when I dealt with myself.

Oddly enough, none of these characters were the same.

That created confusion and loss of identity. One day I stared in the mirror for a long, long time. Unsure of what the heck I was looking at. So I asked myself the question, “Who are you?”.

I saw someone looking back at me who…

…ate way too much and was morbidly obese.

…was being treated for medical conditions related to being obese.

…was a pack a day smoker who hid it from his family (even though they knew).

…was always concerned with what everyone thought about him.

…was a poor excuse for a dad.

…equated his self-worth with his bank balance.

…had no close friends after 30+ years of living.

…was completely worn out.

…was completely unhappy.

Now the unhappy part wasn’t due to everyone on the outside. It was more to do with what was on the inside that caused it. I put up these protective barriers so that I couldn’t get hurt. The less people knew about me the better. So I thought anyway.

I spent so much time attending the “Uppie Masquerade” that I lost sight of who I really was.

That pissed me off…

That being pissed off part was always there. Up until this point though, I took it out on others. Anger was something that I dealt with constantly. That made me a miserable human being to be around.

What you see today is the direct result of taking action on the decision to remove the masks and be more of who I was made to be.

Am I done yet? No…

Old habits (and broken thinking) die hard.

But they are dying. Working on them one at a time. Effecting the change that I need to make to be myself. And by doing so, I’m true to those who I love and respect.